Funeral Wisdom of the World

I learned about the battle of Karanberes by chance while going through the archives of my local web analytics company.  There will be no mistake, if I call the this battle one of the most bizarre thing that ever took place on a battle field. The Ottoman army was victorious without even making a single shot or facing the enemy. It all happened during Austrian-Turkish war of  1787-1791.

Gigantic Austrian army which exceeded a hundred thousand men set up a camp new the town of Karansebes, that is located nowadays in modern Romania, on September of 1788. Naturally, Austrian army represented all nations of the empire. There were Italians from Lombardy, Balkan Slavs, Austrians, Germans and other minorities that could not understand each other.

Several units of hussars were scouting for the presence of the Turks and crossed the nearby river. Hussars did not find the Turks but they met a group of Gypsies that had in their possession a lot of hard liquor. They decided to have a little party and helped themselves to a drink. While they were having fun relaxing from the horrors of war, a contingent of infantry men crossed the river too. They were war-weary too and wanted to join the party as well.  Hussars refused to share schnapps with them and got into the argument that got to its peak when one of the infantry guys fired a shot.

This led to an open combat between infantry and hussars. For some unknown reason, some infantry men started screaming the word “Turks” in Romanian.  This scared the hussars who promptly left the scenery thinking that infantry spotted an approaching Turkish army.  Galloping men rushed into the peacefully resting camp shooting and waving sabers.

Some Austrian officers quickly figured out that men on horses were hussars and not the Ottoman cavalry. Trying to restore the order they were yelling “Halt!” . This made situation even worse, because non-German speaking soldiers decided these were definitely the Turks because they misheard the word “halt” and thought that it was the word “Allah”.

The army commander got confused too because he though that Turkish cavalry is attacking the camp. He ordered the artillery fire. Without understanding what the situation was, the whole gigantic camp got up and fled in different directions. In the clouds of dust soldiers were shooting at everything that moved, including their shadows.  People were killing each other thinking that they were fighting with the enemy.  During these stampeded even the Austrian emperor Joseph II got hurt. He survived by pure chance when his own soldiers pushed him off his horse into a small creek.

Very soon the whole place was empty except for piles of dead, dying and wounded men and lots of treasure, thrown around ammunition, food and guns.  Only two days later the vanguard of the Ottoman army appeared in the area and took the city of  Karansebes and the surrounding area under its control . Astonished Turks discovered on field of the battle that never took place, over ten thousand troops that were killed and wounded by their own fellows.

Since the beginning of the 10th century till almost the end of 17th century many people were tried, tortured, mutilated and burnt at the stake because they were accused of participation in the Witches’ Sabbath. This accusation was extremely popular during practically each and every witchcraft trials. I found extremely wild accounts of it during my research on witch hunts at the local web analytics company.

During the witch craze, Witches’ Sabbath was thought to be some kind of gathering of witches, warlocks, demons and sometimes Satan in the special places. Naturally, this was a product of popular imagination, ignorance and fear which became extremely popular during European Renaissance.

The belief in Witches’ Sabbath started with the publication of fake manuscript Canon Episcopi in 905. In several paragraphs the anonymous author was condemning Pagan worship of goddess Diana  and her cult of her wild hunt. Canon Episcopi was included in many religious collections of works and soon became a canon law in Catholic church.

Generations of theologists and inquisitors with vivid and sick imagination throughout centuries created sick descriptions of Witches’ Sabbath.  Tortured victims under extreme pain would add more fuel to the fire by adding numerous weird details. Here is some stuff that you would find interesting.

Witches would be piloting the brooms or were carried by demons to the place of meeting. The gathering itself would start at midnight and end at dawn. There were accounts of witches and warlocks eating human flesh, preferably children. Usually the Satan would be present in a form of a humongous goat . It was an honor for  each witch and warlock to kiss this goat in the butt.

In other accounts whole variety of demons would be present at the Sabbath too. Munching in all-you-can-eat buffet of human flesh was accompanied by wild dances and transitioned into Black Mass which was depicted as some kind of parody on Christian Mass.  Then it would often culminate with sexual orgies where demons would copulate with witches and warlocks in every possible way.

If you think that witch hunts ended several hundred years ago, think again. Do you know that up to 1951 there was a Witchcraft Act in England which provided penalties for the practice of witchcraft? And that the last case when this act was enforced was not in Medieval times but in 1944? I found the name of the last victim of 20 century witch hunt in the archives of my local web analytics company.

The name of a poor woman who was the last one to be sent to jail because of the Witchcraft Act  in 1944 was  Helen Duncan. This lady honestly believed that she could summon spirits.

These were the tough days of World War 2  Who knows, maybe Helen Duncan was really a clairvoyant or a true medium? Authorities learned about her existence when she tried to summon the spirit of a sailor who served on a war ship HMS Barham. By the way, the sinking of this ship with a crew was hidden from the general public at the time.

The alleged witch punishment did not take long. Intelligence officers were so scared of this lady’s medium powers they they caught  and quickly prosecuted her.  They were scared that she, as a powerful witch, would be able to learn through spirits of secret war plans. Their superstition cost Helen Duncan nine months in prison.

On May 11 we will be celebrating Mother’s Day in the US. In some ways it is our own unique holiday. This holiday is one of the most popular and commercially successful US holidays. It is the most popular day of the year to dine out at a restaurant in America. And it still remains heavily marketed concept.

But originally this holiday was intended as a call to unite women against the war in 19th century. A social activist Julia Ward Howe horrified by casualties of the American Civil War wrote the Mother’s Day Proclamation in 1870. Her call for peace and disarmament failed and did not get formal recognition at first. Only many years later some states started celebrating Mother’s Day and, eventually, Woodrow Wilson made it into a national holiday in 1914.

However, the idea of the holiday was loosely imported from the old British holiday that has the identical name. The original Mother’s Day started in England somewhere in the sixteenth century. At first it was not viewed as a holiday but more as a Christian practice of visiting one’s mother church annually. Then it grew into a day when mothers had a chance to reunite with their children. It was especially important for young working women and apprentices who were allowed by their masters to visit their families.

Nowadays, in Britain this holiday partially lost its religious meaning. On Mother’s Day people celebrate and give thanks for mothers. The holiday falls on the fourth Sunday of Lent which exactly three weeks before Easter Sunday.

Elvis Presley funeral took place in 1977.  Thousands of Elvis’s fans participated in funeral services. They lined the streets to see an open casket. Funeral pictures appeared on the cover of National Enquirer making it the fastest selling issue of that publication. Presley was buried next to his mother at Forest Hill Cemetery, Memphis.  Later, there were several attempts to still his remains, so he and his mother were  reburied at Graceland.

Over thirty years passed but the persistent rumor that the rock star did not die still consume imagination of people, creating some kind of national phenomenon and unusual funeral tradition.  Although the idea that the Presley is alive and kicking and live in hiding for so many years seem bizarre, to say the least, it does not go away even in XXI century.

If he were alive, Elvis would be in his seventies and would most likely be amazed at all the stories about him circling the country .  Rumors and gossip reached the new heights by adding all possible conspiracy theories - from an empty casket  to extraterrestrial involvement.  An army of impersonators seem to spread these stories around for publicity and advertising reasons.  It is a sure bet that any tv program or show about Las Vegas will have Presley’s song or a short tune in it.

I wish there would be simple answer, why people just don’t let Elvis rest in peace.  His former fans - baby boomers,  have already retired or in the process of retiring.  I don’t think that they are the ones who perpetuate the stories about undead Elvis Presley.  Generations of talented musicians that came after him, respect the “king”, but don’t spread the rumors either.  Except, maybe, the guy from Oasis who claimed in 2007 that he was drowning but Elvis Presley saved him.

I believe there is only one Museum of Funeral Customs in the world. It is located in Springfield, Illinois, near Oak Ridge Cemetery, the site of Abraham Lincoln’s tomb. Our team of  web analysts,  came to visit the museum along with the rest of the staff.  The museum contained exhibits dealing with American funerary and mourning customs and various related collections. Basically, it provides resources to scholars for researching funeral customs, hosts tours and special events.

We were amazed to find all kinds of funeral paraphernalia from various cultures and times. Personally, I liked rare books collection on embalming dating as early as the 16th century. We saw at the museum recreated 19th century middle class American home funeral setting, recreated embalming room from Jazz generation of the 1920s. There were exhibits of embalming equipment and instruments, examples of postmortem photography and even the scale models of Lincoln’s tomb and funeral train.

Naturally, there is humor in everything, even death. We found confirmation of this when we visited museum’s gift shop. It did not make much sense to us that this shop was selling plain polo shirts or sweatshirts. But my co-workers and I purchased plenty of hilarious stuff, like milk chocolate coffins, wooden and silver casket key rings, casket-shaped paper weights. One of our guys still wears at work the t-shirt with a morbid sign that says “Everybody’s Gotta Go Sometime…”

If you watched a move about 300 brave Spartans, you know that king Leonidas was one of the most important figures in Greco-Persian wars. But there was also another equally or even more important statesman whose name is is rarely mentioned due to certain reasons that need to be explained.

I am talking about famous Themistocles from Athens. It was him who persuaded Athenians to build a powerful fleet and it is thanks to him that Greek ships defeated the much larger Persian navy and forced king Xerxes I of Persia to retreat. The naval battle of Salamis took place in 480 BC and was the turning point of the campaign, leading to eventual Persian defeat.

After the war Themistocles showed himself as a brilliant statesman again and again by making his native Athens the finest trade place in Greece. But then his life took a really tragic turn. He was accused by his fellowmen of arrogance and taking bribes. That led to the exile of Themistocles from Athens to Argos. Yet, his troubles did not end there. Soon Spartans accused Themistocles of treasonable intrigues with Persia. Subsequently he was proclaimed a traitor in Athens and all his property was confiscated.

As a bitter irony, Themistocles could only find shelter at his enemy whom he fought for so many years. Artaxerxes I, successor of Xerxes I, offered him asylum and took Themistocles under his protection. Artaxerxes even made Themistocles a governor of the province of Magnesia in Asia Minor. He probably was well received in Magnesia and showed his talents there too, because Magnesians worshiped Themistocles as a god.

From what we know, Themistocles died of illness n Magnesia , when he was sixty five. He was probably a broken-hearted man, because there were persistent rumors that his death was not of natural causes but that he committed suicide by taking poison.

Last time I was telling you that Roman dictator Sulla was famous for his bravery and cunning. Here is his glorious deeds in brief.

In 106 BC Sulla participated in the Roman war against king Jugurtha of Numidian in northern Africa. Thanks to him, Romans defeated Jugurtha. Sulla persuaded Jugurtha’s ally and father-in-law king Bocchus of Mauretania to betray Jugurtha, who had fled there for refuge. It was a dangerous operation from the start, for king Bocchus was weighing up the advantages of handing Jugurtha over to Sulla or Sulla over to Jugurtha. Grateful Romans erected a statue of Sulla donated by King Bocchus in the Forum to commemorate his accomplishment.

In 104 BC Rome was in danger again. The migrating Germanic tribes of the Cimbri and the Teutones were heading for Italy. Sulla, as a commander of a Roman army defeated the tribes and was credited as being the prime mover in the victory.

Citizens of Rome needed Sulla’s skills again during the so called Social War that started in 91 BC. This war was fought against the Rome’s Italian allies. During his military campaign Sulla defeated the rebels and outshone all other Roman generals. As a result of his success in bringing the Social War to a successful conclusion, he was elected consul for the first time in 88 BC.

For his achievements Sulla was awarded the highest Roman military honor - a famous Grass Crown. This award was given for personal bravery to a commanding general that saves a Roman legion or army in the field. Unlike all other Roman military honors, it was awarded only by acclamation of the soldiers of the rescued army. By tradition, the Grass Crown was woven from grasses and other plants taken from the actual battlefield.

Sulla’s military skills were required again during the war against powerful Mithridates VI, king of Pontus. Roman general successfully and masterfully defeated king and his allies, despite all odds. For example, in 86BC, in the Battle of Chaeronea Sulla had defeated a vastly superior force in terms of numbers. It was also the first recorded time that battlefield entrenchments were used.

An interesting even occurred in 82 BC that influenced in many ways the future of Rome. At that time Sulla was appointed the dictator of Rome. He had many powerful enemies in the Senate and patrician families. The young Julius Caesar became one of Sulla’s targets. His father-in-law Cinna was number one enemy of Sulla. Miraculously, young Julius Caesar managed to flee the city in time and survive. Yet Sulla never let his adversaries off the hook, so sooner or later young Caesar was bound to die. Young Julius got lucky again. He was saved through the efforts of his relatives, many of whom were Sulla’s supporters. Yet, Sulla noted in his memoirs that he regretted sparing Caesar’s life, because of the young man’s notorious ambition.

Before Julius Caesar and Octavian Augustus, there was a man who, actually, hastened the end of the Roman Republic by his example. His name was Lucius Cornelius Sulla Felix, but usually he was known simply as Sulla.

Sulla had the best chance to become the first Roman Emperor but for some unknown to historians reasons he simply did not want to. Contemporaries compared him to half fox and half lion, due to his perceived cunning and bravery. He enjoyed the absolute power of a dictator. Yet one day he stunned Rome by publicly resigning his dictatorship. It happened near the end of 81 BC. Sulla not only resigned, he also disbanded loyal to him legions and reestablished normal consular government, He dismissed his personal guard and walked unguarded in the forum, offering to give account of his actions to any citizen.

Admiring his noble deed, Roman citizen chose him as a consul for the year of 80 BC. After his time as a consul was over, Sulla simply retired to his country villa. He chose not to get involved  with political activities in Rome anymore.  Instead, he started writing his memoirs that were completed just before his death. He died in his bed surrounded by his favorite actors and dancers.

Later greedy for power Julius Caesar Caesar ridiculed Sulla for resigning voluntarily. Yet, Sulla died peacefully, while Caesar was brutally murdered by senators’ daggers. So one can see, who was right in the end.  Unfortunately, example of Sulla inspired other Roman generals who were dreaming of dictatorship. Though he resigned his complete command of the Republic, Sulla was the one who provided the inspiration for Caesar’s future dictatorship. His example proved that it could be done, and therefore inspired other Roman generals to attempt it.

When Alexander the Great took over Persian empire, he officialy married Darius’s daughter Stateira II  in 324 BC at Susa. It was a great wedding ceremony, where many officers of Alexander were married to noble Persians.  Alexander’s favorite Hephestion had as his bride Drypetis, sister of Stateira II.

Later, in 327 BC  Alexander also married a Bactrian noble Roxana from Balkh province.  Alexander professed his love for Roxana and took his new wife to accompany him during his military campaign in India.

After the end of campaign Hephestion died leaving Drypetis a widow. Within eight months after his death Alexander died too.  Roxana was pregnant when king died and soon gave birth to posthumous son Alexander IV Aegus.  The empire that Alexander built started collapsing, his generals were successfully tearing it apart. Thus Roxana and her son became the pawn in the intrigues of the generals.

In her own turn Roxana mercilessly murdered Stateira II and her sister Drypteis and ordered to throw their bodies into a well.  For a while Alexander’s mother Olympias managed to protect both Roxana and her son in Macedon. Yet soon Olympias were assassinated by the orders of Cassander in 316 who were seeking kingship over Macedon.
In the end the surviving Alexander’s generals signed the peace treaty recognized Alexander IV’s rights and explicitly stated that when he came of age he would succeed Cassander as ruler.

As the son of Alexander was growing up, his supporters started to declare that he  should now exercise full power and that a regent Cassander was no longer needed. Well, the response of Cassander’s response was extremely swift and definitive because he was not going to say goodbye to his kingdom.  So in 309 BC he commanded to secretly assassinate the 13-year old Alexander IV and his mother Roxana. The orders were carried out, and they were both poisoned. This was the end of the great Argead dynasty, the founders of the Macendon kingdom, to which Alexander the Great belonged.

The only fragile thread of the dynasty was Heracles, an illegitimate son of Alexander the Great, who was born from Persian concubine Barsine.  Heracles was never acknowledged by Alexander the Great, but still he was a threat to Cassander. So Cassander gave a minor bribe to Heracles protector Polyperchon  in exchange for his murder. When Heracles was finished the ancient Argead dynasty terminated completely.